Disguised Blessings?

Doing 30 days of thankfulness the month of November on Facebook or other social media? That's fine, but not for me.  First off, it's too difficult to remember it everyday.  Second off, why only the month of November?  Yeah, I get it.......it's Thanksgiving month.  While I am always thankful for the many blessings in my life, sometimes I get overwhelmed by all the things I am NOT grateful for. Justin, our oldest, and I were listening to Laura Story sing "Blessings" today.  It's a great song and helps you put your troubles into perspective, but it doesn't take away the fact that the problems loom large.  One of our largest looming problems right now is our daughter.  We love her with a fierce love, but she will have nothing to do with us.  She's being guided by people who seem to think it's okay for her to be dishonorable and disrespectful to her parents. I can't even begin to tell you the lies that have circulated about us.  It's a looooong story which I will not go into on here. They are building her up while she continues to live in direct disobedience to Scripture, and they support her in her sin and make her out to be something great all the while she is grieving the Lord, not to mention her parents.  I can't even begin to tell you the heartache we have been through in the past 6 months.  The depression, tears and heavy weight that I carry around because of her at times seems to be more than I can bear.  One thing I have found out through this is that we are not alone. The devil would have us believe we are the only ones, but we are not.  It's been a blessing to talk with others who have been, or are going, through what we are.  Facebook has an "On This Day" app, and as I was scrolling through it today I came across a post from 6 years ago that meant more to me today than ever.  It was this...

"Cindy, remember My ways are higher than your ways, My thoughts higher than yours...TRUST ME with her because I have a plan and I love her more than you will ever know." (Isaiah 55:8) 

It slapped me right in the face!!!  I know God has been trying to teach me to trust Him with her, and I have been trying very hard to do so, but I let it overwhelm me probably more than I should.  It's so difficult when your children aren't doing what's right.  I just keep hoping that the "Blood's thicker than water" statement is true and comes to fruition!  :0)  She's got a strong support group, but our God is stronger and "able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us."  (Ephesians 3:20)  So thankful that my God is stronger, and He has a plan for her life.  Thankful that He can see the bigger picture, and trusting Him for restoration and truth.  

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?
And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

Love,
Me

Prayer - It's okay to retreat

The Lord has been dealing with me on the area of prayer for several months.  It seems at every turn He has brought me back to the subject of prayer.  It's not that I don't pray, because I do.  It's just that I have filled my life up with so many distractions that I have not taken the quality time I need to focus on prayer the way that I should be.  I have so many things to be in prayer about, and have allowed other things to crowd my life and keep my mind distracted.  Most of those things are not bad things, but just things.  Maybe it was my effort at running from the pain in my life........keeping myself busy so I kept my mind from dwelling on the pain.  Some are circumstantial things that have kept my brain in motion thinking about them and trying to "sort out" what happened. I must confess, I'm overwhelmed, weary and worn.  I sought advice from a long time friend of our family.  I just felt I needed some guidance and direction.  She reminded me that Jesus retreated away from the crowd to be alone so He could talk with His Father. He needed to be by Himself and pray. He needed recharged. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that it was okay for me to retreat and shake off some of my distractions, even though they were good, so that I could focus on quality time with my Heavenly Daddy and recharge for the next task He brings my way.  I have much to be in prayer about.  The last two years of our lives have been a roller coaster of hurt and emotion. We have children who are struggling.  My husband needs a healthy, recharged wife.  My kids need a healthy mother.  I need to be healthy spiritually, and I feel I have suffered so much in that area.  I feel like my soul is starving.  I know it's due to extenuating circumstances, but it's time for me to retreat into my prayer closet and spend some one on one with my Savior, have some heart to hearts with my Heavenly Daddy, and bathe in the presence of His Holy Spirit.  I need a War Room!  :)  

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."  Jeremiah 29:12

We were at Brooklyn Tabernacle this summer on August 9th and had the privilege of hearing them do this song in concert.  It was beautiful!



Love,
Me  :)

Lessons...

Lessons learned recently:

 1. The prodigal son came home
 2. His father didn't go after him.....he waited for his return.
 3. His father loved him unconditionally.
 4. When you feel the presence of the Holy Spirit flee from a place, RUN and RUN FAST!!
 5. Learn to be guarded, and realize that some people don't show their true selves until later.
 6. Test the spirits to make sure it is of God.
 7. Listen to those who are older and wiser if they are discerning of a problem.
 8. NEVER assume you know what's best just because it "feels" right.
 9. If you feel the Holy Spirit moving, hang around and see what He's up to.
10. Sometimes God uses your children.

These are the points that are floating around inside my head.  They say hindsight's 20/20.  Some things I would do differently for sure.  Some things I would have spent more time seeking God over, and listened more closely to the Spirit's voice.  I would not have let my feelings get in the way of truth.  The question I ask myself tonight is, "Why did You let us make the mistakes we made?  Why, God, didn't you show Yourself more clearly to our clouded mind and spirit?"  I'm just going to guess He's using this as a lesson for us to spend more time seeking His face than satisfying our own feelings.  I'm guessing He's teaching us to slow down and be more careful and discerning of His will for our lives.  I know He works all things together for our good, and it's time to pick the good from the bad and move on.  It's time to get out of the wallow and look to the future.  It's time to be thankful God opened our eyes and saved us from some bad situations.  He could have left us there to be blinded to the truth.  My heart's cry is that God will save the ones whose blinders are still on, and that He will draw them out and into His trutth!

Thank You, Lord, for saving us from disaster!  Thank You for opening our eyes when You did! Thank You for the people You have set in our pathway to help us on our journey!  I am forever grateful!

Love,
Me  :)

Psalm 139

I went to BSF Bible Study this morning, met with some beautiful friends, am blessed beyond measure by a Heavenly Father who loves me so much, but the truth??  I am struggling.  Tears threaten to overflow.  I'm tired to the bone,  couldn't engage much this morning in our small group, and overwhelmed by the curves life has thrown us.  I shouldn't let these things get to me, but they do. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be so transparent, but I am.  I can never be accused of not being real!  :)  I am one of those people who tend to compare myself with others, and I shouldn't.  The father of lies whispers in my ear that I'm not deep enough, smart enough or good enough. He tries to get me to doubt God's plan.......I don't know what it is, but I know He has one. The way I get through life is relying on the love of my Father.  I tend to focus on God's great love for me because that's what carries me.  I remember when my Aunt Char said, "As soon as the devil opens his mouth you know he's lying!"  He can't tell the truth.  I'm glad I KNOW this truth, and how I miss my Aunt Char!!!  :'( Today I need to talk to her and get her wisdom on how to deal with the current problems we are facing.  Today I need to hear her belly laugh that lets me know everything is going to be alright.  Today I need her as my prayer warrior.  I've lost family and friends before, but she is the closest person to me that I have ever lost, and it still hurts over 5 years later.  I think of her often!

Okay, enough about me.  I wanna post one of my favorite Scriptures from the Bible that is always such an encouragement to my heart, and I hope it is an encouragement to yours!  :)

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
    Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
    your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord,
    and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
    I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

Love,

Me  :)

Seasons...

I was reflecting on the season that Roy and I have been in for the past couple years. We've been through some pretty tough stuff.  Thinking about the difficult trials we have endured spawned memories of my battle with illness of all kinds that I walked around with for far too long due to an undiagnosed disease a number of years ago. I suffered multiple physical illnesses, mental and emotional illness and spiritual illness.  I had thyroid disease (later discovered to be Hashimoto's), Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Bipolar Disorder, Panic Attacks and an underlying disease that nobody suspected.  I was tested for all kinds of things until one day the connection was made.  I had Celiac Disease.  During that difficult time in my life, I went through horrible spiritual oppression. Demonic attacks from the pit of hell plagued me.  I recently had a small episode that instilled fear in me that I knew I couldn't bear again.  I started repeating the name of Jesus, and the attack dissipated. The positive thing I have on my side now is spiritual growth, and the knowledge of how to handle these attempts by the devil to thwart my walk with Christ.  Another thing it reminded me of is the simple fact that he never gives up! It is Satan's mission to try and destroy Christians and the family unit.  He rocked our marriage when I was sick, and he's rocking our family now.  Please pray for us that God would bring healing and restoration, and that blinders that need to fall off would fall.  Pray that the strongholds the devil has in place would come crashing down.  We want relationships restored properly.  It's never fun as a parent to go through tough times with your children.  I know God has a plan, and it is perfect. It's just hard to see right now.

Seasons of difficulty and struggle are the things God uses to bring us to a closer, much more dependant relationship with Him.  I know for me He wanted my trust and my adoring love.  Faith is challenging.  It's hard feeling like you are drowning in wave after wave knowing you need to just reach out and take the Father's hand. He's right there.......waiting.  It's not hard for Him.  It's hard for us.  We have ourselves to hurdle over.  That's it.  We are the obstacle to our own failures or the stepping stone to our own triumphs.  He's just right there patiently waiting, encouraging, reaching and, yes, sometimes even disciplining.   I love how He loves me.  I love that He loves me so much He allowed me to go through some of the most hellish, difficult times ever to bring me closer to Him so I could know how He loves me.  I thank God for trials for without them I would not know the depth of His grace, mercy and LOVE for me!  It is my desire that God is always glorified in my weaknesses and in my tribulations.  Like Paul, I want to share my weaknesses and struggles with others so that Christ's power can work through me, and that He can use me to be a blessing to someone else who needs to know that He loves and cares for them!

2 Corinthins 12:9, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.



Love,
Me :)

How Great Is Our Father's Love For Us!

June 8, 1991, I married my best friend. Little did I know when I said "I Do" and "For better or worse, in sickness and in health" that we'd go through so much in our short marriage of just over 24 years. We've had our "for better", and we've had our "for worse". We've done the "sickness and in health" thing. We've been on one crazy ride! The only constant in our marriage is the One at the top of the triangle.........God! He has stayed at the top holding our geometric masterpiece together, and we have been all over the place inside that triangle of marriage. He has given us boundaries in which we could flounder around and grow up in Him. For that I am thankful! :) He is a perfect Father who allows His children to make mistakes, yet provides rules or boundaries which we need to follow. It's for our own protection. It keeps us safe from unsuspecting prowlers trying to steer us in the wrong direction.

It's the same with earthly parenting. We do our best to provide that triangle for our children.......parents at the top, children at the bottom floundering around as they grow up in our home. We provide them boundaries. We set rules for their own protection. We try to keep the unsuspecting prowlers out who are trying to steer them in the wrong direction. Unfortunately, we are not perfect like our Heavenly Father. We make mistakes. Entrusting our babies to our Heavenly Father is the only thing we have. He knows all, sees all, and has a plan far beyond our wildest dreams. It's hard, and it hurts sometimes. There is no greater pain for a parent than a child who won't heed their advice and turns away from them causing relational destruction. It's our prayer and hope that God is at work in the life or lives of these children, and that He will bring healing and restoration. What so many kids can't seem to comprehend is that their parents have their best interests at heart. We only want what's best for them. It's the same with our Heavenly Father. He only wants what is best for us. He has our best interests at heart. He shapes and molds, we shape and mold. He disciplines and steers, we discipline and steer. He loves, we love.  It's my prayer that my children will know how much we love them and that love will win in the end!

"See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!"
 1 John 3:1

Love this song by Selah "How Deep The Father's Love For Us".  Take a listen, and be encouraged!

https://youtu.be/1vmY2ztb5xc

Blessings,
Cindy

Tonight,

Tonight, I need to write.  Tonight, I need to vent.  Tonight, I need to scream. Tonight, I can't. Tonight, I'll cry......I'll cry deep down in my soul, and maybe the tears will seep out and run down my cheeks.  Maybe not.  Tonight, I'll curl up in a ball and pray.  Maybe pray myself to sleep, and trust. I'll trust God to take care of the things that are completely out of my control.  Sometimes the problems are too big.  Sometimes they are too overwhelming.  I know God has a plan.  We have done our best, and our best is all God has asked of us.  Now, it's up to God to finish what He started so many years ago.  I can't see His plan for the mess that sin has made, but He sees something beautiful because He sees the final product.  He can see the end.  So tonight, I'll rest.  I'll rest in Him (at least I'll try).  :/